When a Couple is in Crisis: What Really Helps, What a Therapist Can Do, and Why Crisis-Only Fixes Don’t Last

By Ashwini, Counseling Psychologist & Co-Founder, Pure Harmony (Chennai)

Relationships rarely collapse in a single moment. They crack slowly. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes with a lot of noise. When a crisis finally hits, it can feel like the ground is shifting under your feet.

In my sessions, I often see couples walking in tired, scared, angry, or simply numb. Many believe the main goal is to “stop fighting.” But the real work goes deeper than that. It’s about understanding what sits beneath the arguments, the silence, and the distance.

This guide is my way of sharing how I think about couple crises in the Indian context, how we stabilise them, and why focusing only on the crisis is never enough.

How Couples Can Stabilise a Crisis (Especially in the Indian Context)

When emotions are running high, clarity disappears. The first step is not to solve the whole problem, but to stop adding more damage. In other words, we first calm the fire, then understand its source.

1. The Time-Out and Re-engagement Method

This is a simple, practical method that can work very well if both partners commit to it.

Create a pause signal.
Choose a small word or gesture that means: “Let’s stop before this gets worse.” It can be anything you both agree on. The moment this signal is used, the argument stops. No debates. No conditions.

Separate for a short while.
This is not about running away. It is about nervous system reset. Go for a short walk, sit quietly, listen to calming music, or write down what you’re feeling. The goal is to let your body and mind settle.

Come back at a fixed time.
Decide a clear time to re-connect: “We’ll talk again at 9 PM.” And then keep that promise. This shows that taking space is about regulation, not avoidance.

Couples who genuinely practice this method usually see a drop in explosive fights, not because problems vanish, but because they stop attacking each other in survival mode.

2. Using “I feel…” Instead of “You always…”

Blame makes people defensive. Vulnerability invites connection.

Instead of:

“You never support me with your parents. You’re so selfish.”

Try:

“I feel alone and overwhelmed when I have to handle everything with the family. I need us to talk about sharing that responsibility.”

If you’re listening, your job is not to argue. It is to reflect back what you heard:

“So you’re feeling overwhelmed and want me to step in more with my parents. Did I get that right?”

This small change softens the tone and helps both of you feel heard rather than attacked.

3. Protecting Your Relationship from Outside Pressure

Indian couples rarely deal with problems in isolation. Parents, in-laws, extended family, neighbours, sometimes even community opinions can quietly sit inside a marriage.

In a crisis, your relationship needs a temporary “couple bubble” — a protected emotional space where both of you can think, feel, and decide without constant interference.

A simple, shared line can help:

“We’re working through some things together and we’d really appreciate a little space right now.”

It sounds respectful. It’s firm. And it reduces the noise around a situation that is already emotionally heavy.

Common Crises I Help Couples Navigate

Every crisis has its own flavour, but there are some patterns I see again and again in my work with Indian couples.

1. Infidelity or Betrayal

Affairs in the Indian context are often surrounded by secrecy, shame, and fear of social judgement. Both partners may feel deeply alone, even when they’re sitting in the same room.

In therapy, we first focus on emotional containment: reducing the chaos enough for honest conversations to become possible. We then slowly work through the hurt, the anger, and the grief, while also gently exploring what was happening emotionally in the relationship before the betrayal.

2. Communication Collapse

Many of us grew up in homes where feelings were not spoken about openly. Some people were told not to “talk back.” Others saw anger everywhere. Some never saw their parents apologise.

By the time they come into therapy, couples are often stuck in one of two patterns: constant fighting, or total withdrawal and silence. My work here is to help them build an emotional vocabulary, recognise their triggers, and learn a different way of talking so that difficult topics do not always turn into a war.

3. Joint Family Conflicts

In-law dynamics, privacy concerns, financial expectations, parenting interference — these are incredibly common in Indian marriages, especially in joint or semi-joint setups.

Therapy helps the couple see themselves as a team instead of two individuals pulled in opposite directions. We work on boundaries, communication with elders, and ways to support each other even when family expectations feel very strong.

4. Life Transitions and Mismatched Expectations

Arranged marriage adjusting to modern partnership, moving cities, becoming parents, career shifts, one partner wanting to move abroad — big life changes can shake the foundation of a relationship.

In these situations, therapy often becomes a space to slow down, name the changes, and build a shared vision instead of two separate, competing ones.

5. Addiction or Mental Health Challenges

When one partner is struggling with depression, anxiety, or substance use, both people are affected. The relationship starts carrying the weight of the illness.

Here, my job is two-fold: supporting the partner who is unwell through appropriate referrals and psychoeducation, and supporting the other partner in setting boundaries, understanding what’s happening, and not feeling like they have to “fix everything” alone.

Why Crisis-Only Therapy Doesn’t Work

I say this gently, but firmly: crisis-only therapy is like putting a bandage on a wound that keeps getting reopened in the exact same place.

1. The Crisis is Not the Whole Problem

The big fight you remember, the night someone walked out, the week of silence — these are visible moments. They are symptoms. Underneath them is a repeated emotional pattern: one partner pursues, the other withdraws; one criticises, the other defends; one shuts down, the other explodes.

If we only cool things down and never understand or change this pattern, the crisis eventually repeats. Sometimes softer, sometimes louder.

2. Emotional Injuries Stay Unhealed

Most couples argue about surface topics: chores, money, phones, in-laws, schedules.

Underneath these topics lie emotional wounds like:

• “I don’t feel chosen.”
• “I don’t feel safe with you.”
• “I don’t feel important in your life.”

Crisis work can calm behaviour: less shouting, fewer dramatic exits. But if we don’t touch the deeper feelings, both partners continue to feel lonely inside the relationship, even when things look “fine” from outside.

3. No Space to Build Long-Term Skills

Healthy relationships are not built on luck. They’re built on skills that very few of us were actually taught: emotional regulation, conflict repair, gentle communication, appreciation, and boundaries.

When couples come only during emergencies, we barely get time to manage the distress, let alone strengthen the relationship for the future. Long-term therapy, on the other hand, becomes a practice space to build these muscles so that the next storm doesn’t automatically lead to the same kind of damage.

Final Thoughts

A crisis can feel like the end. But very often, it is actually a turning point. A loud signal that something in the relationship needs attention, protection, and care.

Many couples do repair, reconnect, and rebuild after moments that once felt impossible to forgive or survive. Not because they ignore the pain, but because they slowly learn how to understand it, name it, and work through it together.

If you and your partner are in a difficult phase right now, you don’t have to wait for things to get “even worse” before asking for help. Therapy can be the space where both of you finally feel heard, held, and guided through the chaos.

If you’d like to begin, you can book a couple therapy session with Pure Harmony. We’ll start with your story, your context, and your pace.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.